Sunday, March 08, 2009

i wonder if the one mistake i did that was just unforgivable in your eyes was being born too early.. or just being born in general.

what do you want from me? i do everything to please you and i don't get anything. what has she done? and she gets all that freedom? don't give me crap about her taking her Os and thus, you don't want to stress her out. hello. i did sit for Os once. i was practically grounded the whole year. couldn't go out unless to school.. i can't even do STUDY GROUPS.


argh! fuck. like he always says.. "i..don't..give..a..flying..fuck"


you don't care about me, i don't care about you. i tried understanding you, but i don't see any effort from your side. simple. you can take a day off to send them off, but you couldn't for me. was it because i didn't have to take an airplane? you can fetch them, but you couldn't fetch me. was it because it was so near, you didn't feel the need to? you were sleeping when i got home.

you followed him and you asked someone to follow her when they collected their results. my time? you couldn't care less about my results. when i told you i got an A for Math, you were "thrilled" notice the italicised word. it has to mean something for it to be italicised. even in primary 2 and 3. prize-giving ceremony. i got 1st in class in p2 and highest in Malay in p3. did you come and see me go up the stage and receive my prize? did you even care?

i start to think back and wonder when was it that you had actually been there to support me. unfortunately, either i have lost my memory or it never happened.

you gave me chores when i was 6. when was it that she started doing housework? i started sleeping on my own when i was 5. how old was she when she slept with me? how old is he and he's still sleeping with you? i try to get close to you and be pampered by you and you push me away. why is it that i always try at the wrong timing and not them?


you kept comparing me and him. have you ever compared me and her? you keep saying that i'm the elder, so i have to do more work. SHE'S THE YOUNGER AND SHE GETS MORE FREEDOM?! I DON'T FUCKING GET HOW YOUR FUCKING SYSTEM WORKS.

and you ask me to obey your rules as long as i'm living under your roof. i've never followed them. but have i ever gone against them? you keep pestering and shouting at me to do my work. i don't see you ever doing so at her. you ask me to do their work. when have they or YOU for that fucking matter helped me? you're not happy with me hardly ever being at home. but i still do what is expected. she's home the whole day and nothing's done. i don't ever see you complaining. he comes and goes as he pleases. i don't see you complaining.

when i did something wrong, you make it such a big deal. you raise your voice so people from the blocks nearby could hear. you shout at me when they are around. but when i did something right, i don't even see a gesture of appreciation or a smile from you. you just keep mum.


why is it always me you have a problem with? WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO WRONG?! was it being born.? was it being fertilised? you said i was 'unplanned'. it might have been a joke to you. do you know how much it hurt to have heard that? from YOU? and he keeps saying i was abandoned and that either you found me in the bin nearby or someone left me at your doorstep. yes, it's a fucking joke. but do you know how many times that thought has crossed my mind? how many times i wonder if it was true. how many times i wonder if that actually happened?

it's ok. i've been living like this the past 18 years. i think i can survive a few more years.

Ya Allah,
give me the strength to continue
show me the right path
light my way
and give me the willpower to overcome this obstacle you have given upon me.
Amin.

love,
EFJ

♥;*~♪~*;♥
9:43 pm