Wednesday, November 19, 2008

sorry.

i thought of all the solos/solis/one-stands/parts that had been/was or was almost/would have been robbed/snatched away from me and all those that were given to me out of pity and i cried. i cried more than when it actually did happen. and i cried myself to sleep.
3am. after i've studied The Cowboys Overture and Silverado over and over. i switched off the lights. climbed onto my bed. and thoughts and memories flashed across my mind. and i cried. i cried myself to sleep. no one to hold me. no one to scream at my face, telling me to stop thinking about all those bullshit band stuffs. no one to roll their eyes at me for thinking such irrelevant stuffs. no one to scold me for crying over such trivial stuffs. no one to comfort me. no one to make me laugh my sorrows off. no one to curse all those people who robbed/almost robbed me. no one to share with me their own experiences and what they did. no one to tell me what they would do if they were in my shoes.
because the only person who ever did that had flown off, and will not step into Singapore before 26th November. and i have no means of communication with that one person.
and now, i'm crying to myself, when i'm supposed to be eating my Koko Krunch.. gahh.

i know i'm lousy, and i know my presence makes no difference whatsoever. but i've tried. i worked hard and i fought hard. and i don't want to be given out of pity. i don't want to be given because you have a kind heart and you sympathise with me. i want to be given because i can. i want to be given because i earn it. i keep saying i'm lazy and i don't want it. in truth, i feel honoured when it was given to me and i worked hard to make it worth it. and when it was snatched away just like that. how hurt i felt. no trust, no faith was given to me. it was just a trial. and now, i fear getting hurt. so i played safe and pushed all to the others. i'm sorry, if you feel tired coz you have to play throughout. but i can't bear to feel anymore hurt. i fear getting hurt over and over again. it's not necessarily the one who took my part. it's the one who snatched my part from me.

and it's only just that i felt it again(no, not this repertoire). so i can't help it if i'm scared. i've just felt too much disappointment already.


p.s. sorry, Meera!!! i'm so very absolutely sorry. i don't know why my leg cramped. ahh.. i need to exercise. but i'm so LAAAYYZIIEE!!! argh! and mummy forced me to walk all over, to calm the cramps or some shit.. bend my legs and stuffs. coz she wants me to cook.. -_-'' naaahbeeeiii.. ahha. ok. dah. dah msk pooonn.. fish soup.. hehehe.. =D

love,
EFJ

♥;*~♪~*;♥
2:48 pm