Tuesday, September 04, 2007
ME
okie dokie. so now umm.. let's blog about something that has been on and off my mind..everytime someone asks, "what type of person are you?" or "describe yourself." i will either hesitate or describe a friend instead of myself. or, describe someone whom i wish to be, or use words used by my friends to describe me. i never actually describe myself as i am now or in my own words. what type of person exactly am i?along my sixteen years of life, i have had many friends. to some, i might be a quiet, shy and studious girl. to others, i might be an outspoken, cheerful and open girl. but which side exactly am i? when i am with some, i tend to study more. when i am with others, i tend to speak more. i want to be a bit of both. but am i really?i want to be open, cheerful and outspoken, but at the same time, studious.it is true really, what my parents and my younger sister keeps saying. if my friends ever ask me out, i would sure want to go. but if my family is going out, i would rather stay at home. what type of person exactly, is that? i complain and grumble everytime my family goes out. but i would ask my parents several times for permission to go out with my friends. what type of person does that make me? yes, i know, they are different situations. but it is the same, isn't it?i admire people with passion, actually. i admire people with dreams, no matter how small or ridiculous. at least, they have something they want to work towards. at least, they have a goal they can work towards. what about me? why don't i have any dreams? why am i not thinking of my future? why am i always saying maybe? why not yes or no? why are my decisions always in between? why am i still unsure about it? why do i have so many 'why's? no, i am not inserting a joke here. i am really asking you. why do i have so many 'why's? is it beause i am a very curious person?many people out there, even people younger than me, have dreams and passions and goals they are working towards. why don't i? my answers are always, "i live by the day." or "i am just trying to survive this day." but is this true? everytime people ask me about my dreams, i truly wonder, "what ARE my dreams?" am i really this type of person? or am i just too embarrassed and afraid to have a dream? afraid that i would not be able to achieve it? and then embarrass myself? i wonder...so now, being sixteen and all(sixteen, to me, is an important age to find your true self), i have decided that i should find a dream, and at the same time, my true self. i have to make a very big decision very soon, for after my 'O' Levels, i have to choose between a JC and a Polytechnic. everytime i am asked about my choice, i tell them, JC. but Poly is the one that is always popping in my mind. why? why then, did i tell them JC? do i just want to be viewed as a person with high dreams? when they ask me why JC, i say, i want to go to University. but do i really? i wonder to myself all the time.A friend once saw two sides of me at once. he then asked me which type of person really am i.. my answer? "i have no idea." i guess the true side of people actually does come out when they are chatting. or do they? hmm.. i guess my online friends actually do know me better than my friends from school.. i wonder if i have been putting up a front all these times in school.
in my sixteen years of life, i might have hurt people who have always been there for me, and i might have been hurt by people whom i want to always be there for. but all these are what i have to go through in order to mature and grow right? all these are what matures me right?now i wonder if i am out of point.cliffnote version..i am confused about myself. i wonder if i have been putting up a front all these while. i wonder if i have been lying to people and to myself all these while. i don't think even my parents can tell you what kind of person i really am. different people would tell you different things about me. well, maybe they will all say that i am friendly and always cheerful. but what type of friendliness i practise with these people are probably different. i need to find myself. i am desperately trying to find the true me. not the me that's been influenced. not the fake me. the true me. i need to find myself. and i need someone to help me find me. i wonder if there is anyone out there who can help me find me. i am not trying to be selfish or think about myself only. but i think i've been thinking about people too many times that i think i lost me. i need some time to think about me. and i would like to seek everyone's forgiveness if i ever hurt you or if i ignore you in the future. i am just taking some time to figure me out. sorry if you feel that i am ignoring you. tell me if i am.i wonder if i am having my period some time soon. this post makes me seem so emo.. =/ haha. mood spoiler.. bluekk =P. well, that's the happy me then. =)i wonder how much i would get if this was ever my essay, and i let my English Language Teacher mark.. haha. =)) nice right. =)..anyways, do tag.. TAG!! TAGTAGTAGTAGTAG!!! my tagboard is like SOOOOOOOOO DEAD!! DEAD, I TELL YOU! DEAD! D-E-D DEAD! haha.. i believe if my English Language Teacher ever reads that, she would fail me for spelling.. haha. =)) D-E-A-D! haha. =)) just kidding. =) i do not(repeat: DO NOT) suck in spelling okay.. i got full marks! in primary school. haha. my secondary school English Language teachers do not give us spelling tests. haha. they just penalise(i wonder if that's spelled correctly) our work for any spelling errors. =). OKAY!! out of point, my dear..! haha.. =)BYE! =))much love,EFJFaiezah. <3MUAX! ;-)
♥;*~♪~*;♥
11:43 am
